Open Adoption Didn't Fix Everything: Adopted Connor on "Proof of Life" Visits, Belonging Beyond DNA, and the Business of Adoption

adopted connor adoption story anger connor howe grief open adoption understanding adoption Oct 01, 2026

Julie sits down with Connor Howe, known online as Adopted Connor, a former marketer turned adoptee advocate whose bio says it plainly: "Adoption is what happens when governments choose not to take care of their people. 'Open' adoption is a marketing tactic."

Connor was one of the first kids to grow up in an open adoption. He got to see his mom. He had a loving family. On paper, he was the best-case scenario. And still, the grief showed up.

Julie is honest about her own first reaction to Connor's content, and about what she found when she met him in person at Adoption: The Making of Me in Minneapolis. Together they talk about what "open" actually meant for Connor as a kid, why equal treatment wasn't what he needed, and the hospital room where his first child's birth cracked everything open. They also talk about his painful search for his Irish birth father, and how Gaelic football became a way home: a common language beyond DNA.

This isn't a revenge tour. It's a man who wants adoptees to feel what they feel without being told they're crazy.

In This Episode

Why Connor uses his marketing background to "play the adoption agency's own game".
Being in a room full of adopted people, and why it felt so surreal.
Growing up "open": seeing his mom once every year or two, and why he calls those visits "proof of life".
Why the confusing part was never "who's my real mom," but why he couldn't see her more.
Equal treatment vs. equity, and refusing to smile in pictures.
Control, rule-following, and why he's never had a drink.
The birth of his first child, finding his adoption file, and reading The Primal Wound.
How he and his adoptive family came through the conflict, and the most meaningful thing his adoptive mom ever said to him
What searching really costs, and why he'd take a thousand hate comments over family who won't acknowledge him
Gaelic football, a customs agent who asked "you're one of us, aren't you?", and belonging beyond DNA
Why he sees adoption as a child welfare failure, not a family-building service
The memoir he's holding for now, and why his online anger is a strategy, not the whole man

Call to Action
If this one stirred something in you, don't rush past it. If it feels supportive, put a hand where you feel it and breathe for a moment. You don't have to carry what surfaced by yourself. You can schedule a call with Julie anytime.

And if this podcast has meant something to you, a five-star review, or even a few written words, helps more adoptees and the people who love them find these conversations.

Stop outsourcing belonging - insource it!

Resources & Links Mentioned

Adopted Connor on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube and Facebook. He answers DMs, not comments.
Patreon
The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier
You Don't Look Adopted by Anne Heffron (Connor's favorite adoption book)
Poverty, by America by Matthew Desmond
Gretchen Sisson's book Relinquished
Schedule a call with Julie
Register for the Un-M-Othered: A Revolution in Adoptee Healing retreat
Join The Refuge Membership Community here