Why Love Doesn’t Feel Safe for Adoptees (And How to Change It)

Apr 23, 2026

In this personal, embodied episode, Julie Brumley shares a realization that emerged through guided journaling and somatic reflection:

For many adoptees, love didn’t feel safe, it felt something to earn.

Through reflective questions and body-based practices, Julie explores how early experiences shape our relationship to love, safety, and connection. She shows how adaptations like people-pleasing, control, and hyper-awareness aren’t flaws, but intelligent responses the body learned to stay safe.

This episode invites you out of performance and into presence.

Not by fixing yourself, but by reconnecting with the parts of you that learned to survive, and offering them something new.

Keywords

adoption, adoptee healing, somatic healing, trauma, nervous system, attachment, self-worth, people-pleasing, identity, belonging, embodiment, emotional safety

Key Topics

Learning to be loved through survival instead of safety
Why love may not feel safe in the body for adoptees
Early experiences shaping attachment and identity
People-pleasing, control, and hyper-awareness as protection
Embodied journaling and somatic awareness
Reframing “what’s wrong with me” to “what did my body learn?”
Moving from performance-based worth to internal belonging
Building safety in relationship with self

Key Takeaways

You didn’t learn love in dysfunction-you learned it in adaptation.
If love doesn’t feel safe, your body will try to control or earn it.
People-pleasing and perfectionism are protective responses.
You don’t need to reject the parts that got you here.
“What got you here is not what will get you there.”
Healing begins by thanking protective parts, not fixing them.
You don’t have to perform to be loved.
Belonging starts within.

⏱ Chapters

00:00 – A more personal, embodied episode
01:00 – “I struggled with love… because it didn’t feel safe”
02:00 – Learning to be loved in survival mode
03:10 – “How did you learn to be loved?”
04:20 – Control and adaptation as safety
05:00 – Guided somatic reflection
06:10 – “That makes sense”
06:30 – Performance-based love
07:30 – Feeling evaluated
08:00 – “What got me here…”
09:00 – Thanking protective parts
10:00 – Releasing survival
10:45 – Experiencing safety
12:00 – Embodying safety
12:35 – “What if I didn’t have to perform?”
13:30 – Presence over performance
14:00 – What we’re really seeking
14:40 – Nothing is wrong with you
15:20 – Healing through self-relationship
16:00 – Invitation to deeper work
17:00 – Closing reflections